upset mode

Today is the day after Christmas..just got home from a Caroling X'mas Party, not that bad tho..was okay. Had a lil bit fun but owh well. Tomorrow its the Disimon Clan and I think I won't go. Not in the mood, coz some of the people there I despise, I don't mix well with them. Well, I've been upset since morning. When I woke up, I'm in upset mode. I don't know why, coz I think its the mood swings have kicked in. I'm just wondering why I can't find someone to call my own. I'm a loser when it comes to relationship. And I hated myself for being a hopeless romantic..ergh! But the last time, I fall..I mean, really fall in love, I ended up getting hurt. Dammit! But I know one thing for sure, I really do like Monique. I mean "like" as in LOVE. But the problem is, I'm just a friend in her eyes. I feel a bit down by it, but I'll live. I just hope to find someone is near to me where I can hold/kiss/hug/cuddle with that person. I'm getting sick for long-distant relationship. Its like I'm talking to a person that didn't exist but they do only in the internet/mobile world. You can't actually see them or hold them. Even if they turn on their webcam, yeah you can the their face but only that. Its hurtful sometimes. I really do hope I found someone that I really can call my own and lives near to me, where we both can meet each other. Its going to be eaffin hard, I'm sure about it. Nuff said about this, the other reason why I was upset coz its like I'm the black sheep in this family. Everything I didn't do, I get blamed on. I mean everything!! You know how painful it is to endure it all?! They blamed it all on me. I do this! I do that! Blah..blah..blah..even I couldn't find the answer myself. Its really making me depressed, and yes I want to cut. I promise to someone that I wouldn't touch that razor ever again but the pain inside me is too hurtful. The only way for me to calm down is to see blood. I know its crazy but I like it. I don't have any sickness in me or anything. I'm just stressed out! I might do something stupid and that someone will go, blah..blah..blah on me again. UGH


I just want to be really happy for once in my god forsaken life!