Missing mode

Okay, today was the Disimon Clan Party and I'm not in the mood to go but I forced myself to go. If I didn't go, what would the people will say? Although I don't mix well with them, somehow some of my cousin likes to hangout with me, talking about music or stuff. Being crazy is also part of it. Here's the funny part, me and Ruby were being desperate, she wants a boyfriend and I want a girlfriend, we both are wishing for it in desperate mode, was LMAO! She wants her boy of her dreams, and I want my emo girl. Nuff said bout the funny part, so here's the sad part just now. Me and Hazel were talking about relationships, she told me about her nightmare about her boyfriend and I told whats going on with my relationship which didn't work out well. So, suddenly Ruby and Titin went to my place and asked what happen between me and that person, why we broke up. At first I don't want to tell them, but they're good at persuading me to tell, I lost. It was hurtful for me but what the heck, it'll be better just to let it out, to ease the pain a little bit. So I told them what happened two months ago, I told them the exact details. I told them that the person hurt me many times but I was never angry. That person hurt me on my birthday which makes them shock and angry. Then I moved on to the part where I let that person go although its hurtful. I started to cry from there. I told them, all the messages that Vans sent me were all meaningless after all, and its heart breaking when deleting all the texts in my phone. From there, my tears couldn't stop flowing. Ruby, Titin and Hazel trying to calm me down but I just couldn't stop. I reminisce all of the happy memories when I'm with Vans.Of all the people I've been with, she's the only one that I ever truly loved. What she did to me, yes its beyond repair, but I still love her. Call me stupid but I really do. Even my friends says that she is really destroying me by hurting me. Now, its all over. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt deeply inside me, my heart is torn and haven't been sew up again. I somehow really find it hard to forgive. Hazel says just forgive and forget, yes I did that when me and her were together, but after what she did, OMG..its hard to forgive. How can you forgive someone that says I love you and wants to get back with you, then the next day that person took it back and says he/she were drunk at that time..its hurtful right? I do want to forgive her, its just that, its really hard. But really, someone managed to cheer me up a little and I'm grateful for it. I really wished that she sees me more than just a friend in those amazing eyes. Okay, being desperate there, but I really wished for that. It made me not believe in santa tho coz that big guy haven't give me the ultimate gift ever..Someone to call my own. I know its being greedy and all but all I want is to love someone and that someone love me back and love me for who I am. Is it that hard to ask? Owh well, I know that person is out there somewhere, I just have to use all that I've got to find that person. But now, I really want to forgive Vans coz I hate keeping grudges in me. I'm not like that kind of person.

This year, 2009, is almost came to an end. For me, its so many downs rather than ups except that the person I met cheers me up only christmas day and I'm grateful for it. I've really changes alot after the break up. Like how? My friends say that I'm more cheerful, LOL idk that. But I can feel that I'm becoming a little matured and its so not me! I'm beginning to love kids, and turning into a hopeless romantic. Gawd! I seriously don't want that. I love collar stripes tee now coz its awesome! I have many of them now, thanks to my parents for buying me all those. I know its bad, I like to flirt and I'm trying to stop now. I drink too much and got in hangover mode each time. I'm 19 next year in July, getting old..OMG! All of these, happens for a reason and I just have to deal with it although I hate it. Countdown to 2010!!