me and her talk about kids.. LOL

Heyy! Last night was a blast..rody's friend came over..wow..lots of beer! HAHA.. and seriously..some of his friends are cute! OMG! I've got a crush towards his one of his friends from SMC. My gosh..haha.. *hits myself!* IN YOUR DREAMS! I slept at 5.00am and woke up at 9.30am..whatafack! LOL, i'm kinda have an headache now..owh well..
Btw, Karissa finally texted me after 4 days without texting with her! OMG, that is burden. I missed her so so much..my gawd! I bloody missed her :(
So we both texted and texted..suddenly children came to my mind.. I told her about it. She said she love kids too! Woohoo! Unlike with Vanessa.. she doesn't like kids coz she thinks its painfully. So suicide is not painful for you then? Karissa is much more different from you, much better..more happier and she really made me happy. Me and her love kids, so she said she wants five or more! I totally agree with her.. Kids are the ones who brings the family together.. So, we think of some names..so her suggestions were, Kiley, Xaiver, Victoria, Oliver and Jasper. Mine were Vanessa, Aiden, Emily, Kayden and Jake. She said she like the name Aiden and Kayden if our kids were twins. OKay, this may sound crazy but I really really wants kids with someone who wants it as much as me. Karissa is perfect but..I don't know.. I want to change..but..I may be disown by this family coz I know that my parents won't bloody understand me..ughhh!! I just want to be with someone, but its just hard..some people just don't understand.. *sniffs*


Owh well.. I'll get my own kids someday..well, I hope..
and it will be with someone that I love the most! :D

Missing mode

Okay, today was the Disimon Clan Party and I'm not in the mood to go but I forced myself to go. If I didn't go, what would the people will say? Although I don't mix well with them, somehow some of my cousin likes to hangout with me, talking about music or stuff. Being crazy is also part of it. Here's the funny part, me and Ruby were being desperate, she wants a boyfriend and I want a girlfriend, we both are wishing for it in desperate mode, was LMAO! She wants her boy of her dreams, and I want my emo girl. Nuff said bout the funny part, so here's the sad part just now. Me and Hazel were talking about relationships, she told me about her nightmare about her boyfriend and I told whats going on with my relationship which didn't work out well. So, suddenly Ruby and Titin went to my place and asked what happen between me and that person, why we broke up. At first I don't want to tell them, but they're good at persuading me to tell, I lost. It was hurtful for me but what the heck, it'll be better just to let it out, to ease the pain a little bit. So I told them what happened two months ago, I told them the exact details. I told them that the person hurt me many times but I was never angry. That person hurt me on my birthday which makes them shock and angry. Then I moved on to the part where I let that person go although its hurtful. I started to cry from there. I told them, all the messages that Vans sent me were all meaningless after all, and its heart breaking when deleting all the texts in my phone. From there, my tears couldn't stop flowing. Ruby, Titin and Hazel trying to calm me down but I just couldn't stop. I reminisce all of the happy memories when I'm with Vans.Of all the people I've been with, she's the only one that I ever truly loved. What she did to me, yes its beyond repair, but I still love her. Call me stupid but I really do. Even my friends says that she is really destroying me by hurting me. Now, its all over. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt deeply inside me, my heart is torn and haven't been sew up again. I somehow really find it hard to forgive. Hazel says just forgive and forget, yes I did that when me and her were together, but after what she did, OMG..its hard to forgive. How can you forgive someone that says I love you and wants to get back with you, then the next day that person took it back and says he/she were drunk at that time..its hurtful right? I do want to forgive her, its just that, its really hard. But really, someone managed to cheer me up a little and I'm grateful for it. I really wished that she sees me more than just a friend in those amazing eyes. Okay, being desperate there, but I really wished for that. It made me not believe in santa tho coz that big guy haven't give me the ultimate gift ever..Someone to call my own. I know its being greedy and all but all I want is to love someone and that someone love me back and love me for who I am. Is it that hard to ask? Owh well, I know that person is out there somewhere, I just have to use all that I've got to find that person. But now, I really want to forgive Vans coz I hate keeping grudges in me. I'm not like that kind of person.

This year, 2009, is almost came to an end. For me, its so many downs rather than ups except that the person I met cheers me up only christmas day and I'm grateful for it. I've really changes alot after the break up. Like how? My friends say that I'm more cheerful, LOL idk that. But I can feel that I'm becoming a little matured and its so not me! I'm beginning to love kids, and turning into a hopeless romantic. Gawd! I seriously don't want that. I love collar stripes tee now coz its awesome! I have many of them now, thanks to my parents for buying me all those. I know its bad, I like to flirt and I'm trying to stop now. I drink too much and got in hangover mode each time. I'm 19 next year in July, getting old..OMG! All of these, happens for a reason and I just have to deal with it although I hate it. Countdown to 2010!!

upset mode

Today is the day after Christmas..just got home from a Caroling X'mas Party, not that bad tho..was okay. Had a lil bit fun but owh well. Tomorrow its the Disimon Clan and I think I won't go. Not in the mood, coz some of the people there I despise, I don't mix well with them. Well, I've been upset since morning. When I woke up, I'm in upset mode. I don't know why, coz I think its the mood swings have kicked in. I'm just wondering why I can't find someone to call my own. I'm a loser when it comes to relationship. And I hated myself for being a hopeless romantic..ergh! But the last time, I fall..I mean, really fall in love, I ended up getting hurt. Dammit! But I know one thing for sure, I really do like Monique. I mean "like" as in LOVE. But the problem is, I'm just a friend in her eyes. I feel a bit down by it, but I'll live. I just hope to find someone is near to me where I can hold/kiss/hug/cuddle with that person. I'm getting sick for long-distant relationship. Its like I'm talking to a person that didn't exist but they do only in the internet/mobile world. You can't actually see them or hold them. Even if they turn on their webcam, yeah you can the their face but only that. Its hurtful sometimes. I really do hope I found someone that I really can call my own and lives near to me, where we both can meet each other. Its going to be eaffin hard, I'm sure about it. Nuff said about this, the other reason why I was upset coz its like I'm the black sheep in this family. Everything I didn't do, I get blamed on. I mean everything!! You know how painful it is to endure it all?! They blamed it all on me. I do this! I do that! Blah..blah..blah..even I couldn't find the answer myself. Its really making me depressed, and yes I want to cut. I promise to someone that I wouldn't touch that razor ever again but the pain inside me is too hurtful. The only way for me to calm down is to see blood. I know its crazy but I like it. I don't have any sickness in me or anything. I'm just stressed out! I might do something stupid and that someone will go, blah..blah..blah on me again. UGH


I just want to be really happy for once in my god forsaken life!

Christmas Day! :D

Before begin, I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you! May God bless you always. Okay, christmas is not as bad as I thought unlike the other years. So many thing that has happened to me this year. I managed to find my true self well kinda. I've changed a lot after the break up with Vanessa two months ago and I know wear different color shirts. Unlike wearing black shirts all the time. Other than that, I'm also into collar tee now. I'm getting matured, oh gawd! I feel like its not me but owh well, people needs changing in the life. I'm more cheerful now, more open..likes to be silly and oh my gawd, I'm drinking for goodness sake. I never like to drink before but now I drink like hell. Okay..for this year's christmas, someone has just made my day. Her name is Monique. Seriously, she actually made me the most cheerful person today. When she smiled, I get happy. Its so sad that we lived far from each other, she's in Perth and I'm stuck in Sabah. UGH! I wanna meet her so badly, we both could hangout together and it'll be awesome. She said to me even the ice cubes would get jealous of us. I don't know what she meant by that but its funny! I don't know, I think I may like her. It's begins when I try to help to not to cut herself and help her to be happy, I ended up by falling for her. But in her eyes, I'm just a friend, nothing more than that. I asked my friends, and they say that I should asked her. OMG! It would never be the same if I asked her. What if she says "no", gosh! That would be hurtful but at least I know that she only wants to be friends. But everytime I talk or text with her, I feel happy. It eases the pain inside me. I really want to tell her but I'm afraid if it will ruin our friendship. What if she thinks i'm a freak and avoid me? That would kill me completely. Maybe I should just see and what happens. Its the best christmas day today. It was alright. She made me happy, and I'm glad. Hope for next year will be more merrier and changes shall occur. I'll be 19 next year in July 10th. Getting older each year. *sigh* owh well, thats life.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to all of you!

self-reflecting

Well, its almost Christmas. The time where most people wait each year. Full of joy and happiness among families around the world. But tell, what is really Christmas means to you? Is it all about the presents? Keep receiving but never giving? What all those needy people will be doing during Christmas? Is there any kind Samaritan who is willing to give them Christmas? There are so many needy people out there and yet they're being ignored. I know most of us are not that rich or anything, but God has given us life, love, everything. We should appreciate it all, why not being thankful to God by helping others? Most people when it comes to this time of the year, its all about the presents and shopping for new clothes and stuff. I mean, what happen to Jesus? The true meaning of Christmas, Jesus is the real deal. Not shopping or stuff. What happen to the true spirit of Christmas? Celebrating the coming of our savior? The one who saves us all from damnation. Jesus! We should be thankful to him.

I 'm writing this blog to reflect myself during this festive season. All I think is about shopping and shopping. I forgot what is the true meaning of Christmas. That what made me not in the mood for Christmas this year. All I think is about new clothes and stuff, I never think about Jesus or anything. Yes, I'm a christian, a roman catholic in fact. I do go to church every sunday. I know my mistakes and yet I kept doing it again. Yes, I do go to confession every year but it does not stop me from doing mistakes. This year has been the hardest year for me. Why? It is because getting into college, meeting new people and being in a new world. I'm not use to new environment, its hard for me to adapt new things especially involves meeting new people. Other than that, I got my heart broken many times this year by the person I love the most. Its broken beyond repair. I feel so bad flirting with people who has meet me just to forget the person who have hurt me. But again, another person came into my life and manage to heal this broken heart. She actually managed to heal my heart. I consider this person as my early Christmas present from Santa. Because this person had given me so much happiness in me. Made me realize Christmas is all about loving each other, loving other people and love among ourselves. This person has changed me wholly and I love the person dearly. Christmas is not just about receiving or new stuff, I now can say its about being loving and caring towards each other. Make peace with your enemies, make peace with your family if you don't have a good relationship with them. Me here, is trying to forgive the person who have hurt me, and I know its going to be very hard to do it. I'm not even sure if that person deserves to be forgive. I don't keep grudges in me, I never want to take revenge on someone because I know its not worth it. Doing that will make it more worse and eventually you're the one who's gonna get hurt again. I have a friend who loves revenge and gosh her life sucks.

Anyway, my wish for this Christmas is for every family to sit down and spend time with each other, use the time to talk, smile and laugh. I love my family very much and they meant the world to me. Without them, I wouldn't be in college by now. They taught me well in life. Also not to forget all of my aunts and uncles, all of them are awesome as! I'm grateful for everything that God has given me.

I now can say you're a bitch!

Two months have passed since that incident involves us two, its still stained my memories. The memories of you, tainted everything in me. Since then, its hard for me to find someone to love. But what you did to me was beyond repair and it hurts so much. It's gonna be hard to forgive you. I can't forget, okay?! Somehow I think I still have feelings for you. I talked to my friends about it, she said you're entirely destroying me. At first, I don't agree with her coz at that time, you mean so much to me. What happen to the words you texted me last time, "I will never leave you. I love you forever and always". Do you really mean it when you say it to me. What about the thing you promised me? You never even try to keep it. You know how much does it hurts me knowing that you promised that you'll never do it again but you keep on doing it. You know who made me realize that being with you was a mistake? I met this girl, her name is Karissa. I was so sad and I told her about you. Guess what she said? She was so angry and called you a "bitch". When I told my friend about it, she also agrees with me. Came to think of it, you are one. After what you did to me 2 months ago, yes you are one. You left me to be with another person, thinking here you and him are going to be happy together. But no, you broke off with him and be with another person. I now can really say IT WAS A MISTAKE FOR LOVING YOU. You know what? Karissa has made me happy. She's different from you, she's not like you, and she's way better than you. All you do is making me sad, believe it or not I was never angry with you coz I love you so much. Really, I was never angry at you and yet you keep hurting me. I know you didn't realize it. When I went to college and its hard for me to talk to you, I cried you know. When I called you, it makes me happy to hear your voice but at the same time I was sad. I cried many times coz of you. I never told you this coz I don't want to make you worried.


Now, I realized.. you're a bitch! Thanks to Karissa. She have healed what has broken inside me, she always made me smile. I love her dearly and she means the world to me. I hope you realize yourself that you made a mistake being with me. I hope you do.
I REGRET IT ALL!

ughhh!

OMG! Its like 3.52am and I can't sleep. Woke up just now, my head hurts, my whole body hurts. My nose is runny and it hurts. It's time to go see the doctor, if possible tomorrow. I can't stand it anymore. It really hurts. What is my sickness? Its a combination of flu and fever, so might as well call it "FLUVER"
I've never felt like this before, when I come down with flu and fever, its not that painful as this one. Its like a torch pinned through my body. One word for that, "OUCH!"