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Fuck everything! Arghhhhhh! Why do she have to make my life miserable?! Bloody fucking hell? Oh yes, I'm wrong! I'm bloody wrong..wrong..WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I'm mean! Ugh! I thought that this morbid and depressed feeling will be gone forever after vanessa but you just make things more worse.. yes, I have your heart but I feel like giving it back. I'm not sure, I don't know but inside me, I'm missing you. I know in me that I can't let you go but I'm trying hard to but I really don't want. I'm confused, really confused, should I be with you or not? I feel like I'm in a box which you held it tight and wouldn't free me. I need space to breathe, to walk around and to see the world. Because of you, I'm like so upset now and I feel empty inside. But the most weirdest part is, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! Now why am I missing you? I'm not suppose to miss you, or anything. With you being a part of my life, sometimes make me happy but sometimes it made me sad coz you were being morbid and all and eventually I'll become depressed. Gah! Nuff said bout stupid stuff!

labuan>>>awesomeness!

[my favourite pic of all the pics..coz we're showing off our asses! :D]

Okay..labuan was so fun! Though I went there for like every year, but this time is with my friends, no grown ups..I repeat..NO GROWN-UPS! Mwahahaahahahaha...FREEDOM! :p

Finally, I'm out from my house. A dream come true. So, we went to Menumbok then we ride the speed boat, bumpy yet fun. We arrived at Labuan about 10am. Then, we check into our hotel, Pulau Labuan 2. Haha, our room [girls] were small but what the heck.. Then we went to lunch then walk around UK for few hours. After that, we rent car and we to interesting places, took pictures then go. Was so much fun and all the things I've been stressing bout all gone. Then night came, we went back to the hotel, shower and go out. We had KFC for dinner and we went to matriks. Ahh, good memories are been made there. I meet up with Stephanie, Mel, Yvonne and OMG.. Steffi. I don't know why but she seems so happy to see me and I am happy to see her. And she smiled all the time when we're both talking, and when I was about to go home, she's kinda sad. Awww.. I wished she would feel the same way as I feel towards her. Thats what I told Candice, "I'm in love with someone but she's straight." Steffi is who I'm talking about. When I see her, ohmigosh, its like you can hear birds chirping and your heart sings. Most happiest part for during meeting her is when she said, " Can I get a hug?" OMG, hugging her made me smile and i'm still smiling now. I've been smiling since friday night and kept thinking about her. I so so want to meet her again. Ok, nuff said bout matriks, lets move on to nightlife. After matriks, we went back to the hotel, we bought 12 bottles of beer. HAHA! We didn't drink much but yeah, we did drank like 5 bottles. Then my friend and my cousin sleep early. Boo hoo! So, me and the girls went out and drive around labuan. We went out about at 2am. Guess where we end up? We went to Pop In. Its a pub/club and OMG it was awesome! The atmosphere...the people! AMAZING! So, I drank a bottle of beer coz my friends were not in the mood. My friend, Nana, drag me to the dance floor.. so I danced my hearts out. I don't care what people thinks, I dance! Fuck yeah! We went out from the place at 3.30am then head for McDonald for a bite. We went back to the hotel about 4.30am. Oh my, I can't sleep so I didn't sleep for the whole night. Hihi! I didn't bought anything there tho coz I spent my money mostly on food, beer, hotel, transportation, and other stuff. We're planning on going back there when we have the time. I can't wait. But after April, there's no reason for me to go to Labuan coz my friends finished their course in matriks on the 18th April..so yeah. But Pop In is a place I must go. Imma go to bed now, tomorrow class start, xoxo.

I fucking hate it when they fight!

I hate it when they fight, I mean my parents. Last night they fought, in the kitchen and yes I heard them. I listen to every word every sentences they say. Its really sad, I really hate crying coz crying affects the people around me. My downside of my shirt was full of blood last night. I can't stand the fightings. There are scars on my left arm, so as the blood will dry on my shirt. I feel at ease when seeing the blood flows. But I'm still sad coz of last night. I heard my mom said about leaving and that seriously stroke deeply into my heart with God forsaken piercing pain. I still feel the pain now, tears always flooded my eyes when I think of it. I cried in class today and damn! Why must I cry in front of my friends. I hate it! I bloody fucking hate it! I made them cry too, Nana and Dora. *sniffs* But when they hugged me, and my I feel at ease a bit. Hugs do make me feel better. But I really can't stand to see them crying..guiltiness affects me. Just now, when I'm with Dora, I can't explain why coz I feel so calm. When she hugged me tightly, calmness go throughout my body. When she cried just now, again, I feel pain. Staring at her eyes, seeing her smile..somehow makes me happy. When i'm sad, she's always be with me and say all those calming words. Today when I was crying my heart out, she hugged me tightly and whispered to my ear, saying that "when you feel sad, just think of me". Those words touched me deeply. Made me cry tears of joy. No one ever says that to me but this is just so sweet! I just want to hug her closely to my heart now. How can I make this family in peace? I can't stand it anymore! I hate being sad..me being sad, I cut! Please, no more! I'm trying so hard to avoiding cutting. Fuck! This cuts hurts. My arm is sore. I'll just try to calm down then. I'm just scared if they're really leaving, I'm scared of whats gonna happen to my sisters. I don't want them to break down just like I do. I want to protect them and keep the sadness away. For now, I just wished for this family to return to normal and be happy again. I just want to see those smiling faces and spending time together with each other. *fingers crossed*

xoxo

crappy morning...fun evening..

why do Mondays have to be the worst day all of days?! Bad luck much?? I don't have the mood since saturday coz someone in the house made me feel like a stranger. UGH! You know how much it hurts me deeply?! I feel unloved! There's a hole in my heart coz of you. I can't believe your blood run in mine. DAMN! plus today, monday..that bloody discipline lecturer told me that my hair was too long and he bloody told me to tied it. What the bloody effin hell?! My hair is not that bloody long, it's bloody short for goodness sake! How can you tie a short hair?! My gawd! Where's your head sir? Saturday till today, I feel like I'm really a mess. And YES, I DID cut myself. I like the blood flowing from my wrist and arms. The pain came out along with the blood. To be honest, I like it. Yes, I like it very much. I don't care if I cut my veins or anything, I just want the blood to flow out. It makes me calm. Yeah, my friends were angry and I know I did wrong, but I just can't control myself when being in a shitty situation involving my mom. When it comes to here, I might breakdown so badly or I might want to die. I know its wrong to take your own life, but I can't take it! I feel so hurt inside, being left alone hanging in the abyss. A poor soul calling for help. Let me stop talking about sadness, move on to me being happy.

Ahhh..happiness. Me likey. Today is our PE performance that we need to do a lot of moving. It was fun and believe it or not, after doing it I feel so happy. The best way to cure sadness is hanging out with your friends. Damn, it works! *Happy dance* after that, we went to Alladin Restaurant and we have our dinner there. With all those talking and laughing, at last my sadness fade away. *Again, happy dance* I love all of my friends. Also, I did something naughty today. Woohoo! Thats more like me! HAHA! Owh well, gotta sleep now. Ciao :D