blah..blah..blah..bleh.. =.="

*Screams out loud!* FUUUUCCCKKKKKKK MYYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Why do this weekend have to be so bloody busy?! Man, college life is starting to get on my nerves. I'm started to think that am I really in the correct track? Gosh, confusion much. Gonna be in Shakespeare mode.. "Thy knife stroke my heart, piercing in, my blood shall flow from my chest to my toes, the ground will be tainted, with despair and sorrow."

What shall I do then?

so little time...

*sigh* okay, 3 weeks of college..coming to 4 weeks. OMG and the works are piling up. College life, I know. Somehow, I feel restless. Idk why. Me and Karissa stopped texting each other. Why? Coz her phone bill was..OMG! Feel sad tho but we talked on yrbook. Doesn't feel the same but at least we talked. She still made me happy. Hmm, okay this month is crucial coz i'm in need of cash!!! Arghhhh! Got a letter from my former college, asking me to pay back the Semester 1's allowance! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?! and the total amount is RM1250!! Where am gonna find that money????? My life just died there...my current college's allowance hasn't come out yet..ughhhhhh!!!! *whining and cusssing* !@#@%&^(&(**@@%#!#!@*(&^)!!!

yesterday was history today is????

PE was awesome yesterday. Akmar, Amirul, Jazul, Me, Gracie, Nana, Dora, Candice, Esther and Jun laughed really hard. It's coz of the joke that Jazul made talking Malay-Thai-Japan accent and myself, talking a scotland accent which make Esther laughed till tears came out from her eyes. Gracie lost her voice, OMG! Okay, today was forum during LDV and our group topic is about Sex and Gender. I talked about sexual orientation and wow, I don't know coz I kinda blushed. Coz this topic is somehow related to me. I explained using my general knowledge and I think some people including Madam is suspecting something. Owh well, at least they know and I'm actually okay with that.
So, me and Karissa 1st Month Anniversary is almost near. I'm more happier being with Karissa rather than being the that bloody person. She made me so happy and she remember our anniversary unlike..ughhh! the other person. She said to me that I'm the reason for her to get up every morning and that just put the biggest smile on my face. She's the reason I smiled whenever I sit alone. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. All I hope for is, I don't want her to hurt me as Vanessa did. I can't take it anymore. I hate being hurt and I hate hurting people. All i want is to make people happy and I'll be happy. Is it that hard to ask? I hope me and her are gonna last long and happy together. I don't care what people thinks tho. I know some will accept and some will not. So please, leave your bloody conservative life and move on to the new era of life already.

tomorrow is the day! D:

Ah-ma-gosh! I can't believe its finally tomorrow!! I'm going back to college tomorrow! ohmylord!! Its so fast and i'm just starting to enjoy the hols. UGH!!! New roommate..new everything! I hope she's not bossy or snobbish. I really want communication! or I'll die! SERIOUSLY! I'm not used to being friends with someone older than me..well except for Dora and my cousins..gosh, time will tell then. New challenges..new drama..arghhh. Am I in the right track? Being a teacher? I mean, look at me! With this attitude and stuff, gosh! I'm so not gonna be a role model to my students in the future. I drank, I cuss, everything that is bad. So am I right for this? Gosh, I need someone to hit me. NOW! I'm just gonna accept the fact that I'm going back tomorrow.
Okay..talked with Vanessa again. Told her that I couldn't forget her completely then she said " I thought you did :( " what does she meant by that? And when I asked why, she said that "coz you were with someone". Again, what does she meant? Does she still loves me? Or she wants me to forget her? I'm really confused right now. But really, I do still have feelings for her. Believe it or not, I asked opinions from 11 people. 8 gave me the same answer and 3 different. Hmm, I better make sure of this or I'll end up getting hurt again. I hope she's not drunk when she say it tho. If she were, all of the memories will come back and haunt me again. Nuff said bout it, anyways..I missed my cousin. I missed her so much! Coz I really liked when she hugged me on new years day coz it was so sweet of her and adorable too. She hugged me with full of care.. she's 14 and very matured too. Matured than me. Some of my cousins dislikes her tho coz they said, she's harsh. Well, she is but owh well, like I said, she's matured for her age. Wow, its been like 3 days without texting Karissa. I'm guessing, she wants to end it, between me and her. *sigh* why does this keep happening to me? Gawd! OWH WELL.. like many people say..that is LIFE. Pfffttt.. right..
Anyways, I'm going to bed now..church in like 7 hours. Have a good life people :)

I do still love her...

Talking to Vanessa now has made me realize that I do still love her. All the name calling thingy that I called her, was just to erase the memories of what she did to me..but deep inside me, I still do really love her..I think she's the only one that I really love. I can't forget her completely. I love her too much.

awesome new year!

Goodbye 2009..well hello 2010! Well, this year's new year, I think its the best new year other than the other new years. Indeed, I'm shocked too. I thought it would be bad but I was so wrong. Hmm..maybe I got drunk this year and thats why I was feeling happy. LMAO! When the clock struck 12.00am last night.. was the happiest moment in my life. I called Monique and whoa her voice was so adorable. I seriously love australian accent. Owh yeah, when I was hungover last night, and was about to sleep, someone came into the room and gave me the most adorable hug ever and she said to me, " I'm here now". How adorable is that? She hugged me while I was laying on the bed. Made me happy and I hugged her back. And someone was jealous of us..ahaahahaha! But yeah, she ended up in my hands and I love cuddling with her. That was a cute moment. Hmm..I think this year is starting to be a good year after all. Hmm, okay that was an early judgment. We'll see what's gonna happen this year, and I'll be an official senior..haha! Bullying time? I'm not that cruel. Okay, i'm currently talking to Vanessa on msn now, this may sounded weird but I'm happy talking to her. I'm in cheerful mode now, maybe coz by the drunkness or maybe I am really in a cheerful mood. Haha, but still, I missed her tho. Should I tell her that? A bit confused here. She might think I'm weird or something. Owh well, 2009 has passed..its 2010 now. New challenges..new drama..new me!

me and her talk about kids.. LOL

Heyy! Last night was a blast..rody's friend came over..wow..lots of beer! HAHA.. and seriously..some of his friends are cute! OMG! I've got a crush towards his one of his friends from SMC. My gosh..haha.. *hits myself!* IN YOUR DREAMS! I slept at 5.00am and woke up at 9.30am..whatafack! LOL, i'm kinda have an headache now..owh well..
Btw, Karissa finally texted me after 4 days without texting with her! OMG, that is burden. I missed her so so much..my gawd! I bloody missed her :(
So we both texted and texted..suddenly children came to my mind.. I told her about it. She said she love kids too! Woohoo! Unlike with Vanessa.. she doesn't like kids coz she thinks its painfully. So suicide is not painful for you then? Karissa is much more different from you, much better..more happier and she really made me happy. Me and her love kids, so she said she wants five or more! I totally agree with her.. Kids are the ones who brings the family together.. So, we think of some names..so her suggestions were, Kiley, Xaiver, Victoria, Oliver and Jasper. Mine were Vanessa, Aiden, Emily, Kayden and Jake. She said she like the name Aiden and Kayden if our kids were twins. OKay, this may sound crazy but I really really wants kids with someone who wants it as much as me. Karissa is perfect but..I don't know.. I want to change..but..I may be disown by this family coz I know that my parents won't bloody understand me..ughhh!! I just want to be with someone, but its just hard..some people just don't understand.. *sniffs*


Owh well.. I'll get my own kids someday..well, I hope..
and it will be with someone that I love the most! :D

Missing mode

Okay, today was the Disimon Clan Party and I'm not in the mood to go but I forced myself to go. If I didn't go, what would the people will say? Although I don't mix well with them, somehow some of my cousin likes to hangout with me, talking about music or stuff. Being crazy is also part of it. Here's the funny part, me and Ruby were being desperate, she wants a boyfriend and I want a girlfriend, we both are wishing for it in desperate mode, was LMAO! She wants her boy of her dreams, and I want my emo girl. Nuff said bout the funny part, so here's the sad part just now. Me and Hazel were talking about relationships, she told me about her nightmare about her boyfriend and I told whats going on with my relationship which didn't work out well. So, suddenly Ruby and Titin went to my place and asked what happen between me and that person, why we broke up. At first I don't want to tell them, but they're good at persuading me to tell, I lost. It was hurtful for me but what the heck, it'll be better just to let it out, to ease the pain a little bit. So I told them what happened two months ago, I told them the exact details. I told them that the person hurt me many times but I was never angry. That person hurt me on my birthday which makes them shock and angry. Then I moved on to the part where I let that person go although its hurtful. I started to cry from there. I told them, all the messages that Vans sent me were all meaningless after all, and its heart breaking when deleting all the texts in my phone. From there, my tears couldn't stop flowing. Ruby, Titin and Hazel trying to calm me down but I just couldn't stop. I reminisce all of the happy memories when I'm with Vans.Of all the people I've been with, she's the only one that I ever truly loved. What she did to me, yes its beyond repair, but I still love her. Call me stupid but I really do. Even my friends says that she is really destroying me by hurting me. Now, its all over. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt deeply inside me, my heart is torn and haven't been sew up again. I somehow really find it hard to forgive. Hazel says just forgive and forget, yes I did that when me and her were together, but after what she did, OMG..its hard to forgive. How can you forgive someone that says I love you and wants to get back with you, then the next day that person took it back and says he/she were drunk at that time..its hurtful right? I do want to forgive her, its just that, its really hard. But really, someone managed to cheer me up a little and I'm grateful for it. I really wished that she sees me more than just a friend in those amazing eyes. Okay, being desperate there, but I really wished for that. It made me not believe in santa tho coz that big guy haven't give me the ultimate gift ever..Someone to call my own. I know its being greedy and all but all I want is to love someone and that someone love me back and love me for who I am. Is it that hard to ask? Owh well, I know that person is out there somewhere, I just have to use all that I've got to find that person. But now, I really want to forgive Vans coz I hate keeping grudges in me. I'm not like that kind of person.

This year, 2009, is almost came to an end. For me, its so many downs rather than ups except that the person I met cheers me up only christmas day and I'm grateful for it. I've really changes alot after the break up. Like how? My friends say that I'm more cheerful, LOL idk that. But I can feel that I'm becoming a little matured and its so not me! I'm beginning to love kids, and turning into a hopeless romantic. Gawd! I seriously don't want that. I love collar stripes tee now coz its awesome! I have many of them now, thanks to my parents for buying me all those. I know its bad, I like to flirt and I'm trying to stop now. I drink too much and got in hangover mode each time. I'm 19 next year in July, getting old..OMG! All of these, happens for a reason and I just have to deal with it although I hate it. Countdown to 2010!!

upset mode

Today is the day after Christmas..just got home from a Caroling X'mas Party, not that bad tho..was okay. Had a lil bit fun but owh well. Tomorrow its the Disimon Clan and I think I won't go. Not in the mood, coz some of the people there I despise, I don't mix well with them. Well, I've been upset since morning. When I woke up, I'm in upset mode. I don't know why, coz I think its the mood swings have kicked in. I'm just wondering why I can't find someone to call my own. I'm a loser when it comes to relationship. And I hated myself for being a hopeless romantic..ergh! But the last time, I fall..I mean, really fall in love, I ended up getting hurt. Dammit! But I know one thing for sure, I really do like Monique. I mean "like" as in LOVE. But the problem is, I'm just a friend in her eyes. I feel a bit down by it, but I'll live. I just hope to find someone is near to me where I can hold/kiss/hug/cuddle with that person. I'm getting sick for long-distant relationship. Its like I'm talking to a person that didn't exist but they do only in the internet/mobile world. You can't actually see them or hold them. Even if they turn on their webcam, yeah you can the their face but only that. Its hurtful sometimes. I really do hope I found someone that I really can call my own and lives near to me, where we both can meet each other. Its going to be eaffin hard, I'm sure about it. Nuff said about this, the other reason why I was upset coz its like I'm the black sheep in this family. Everything I didn't do, I get blamed on. I mean everything!! You know how painful it is to endure it all?! They blamed it all on me. I do this! I do that! Blah..blah..blah..even I couldn't find the answer myself. Its really making me depressed, and yes I want to cut. I promise to someone that I wouldn't touch that razor ever again but the pain inside me is too hurtful. The only way for me to calm down is to see blood. I know its crazy but I like it. I don't have any sickness in me or anything. I'm just stressed out! I might do something stupid and that someone will go, blah..blah..blah on me again. UGH


I just want to be really happy for once in my god forsaken life!

Christmas Day! :D

Before begin, I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you! May God bless you always. Okay, christmas is not as bad as I thought unlike the other years. So many thing that has happened to me this year. I managed to find my true self well kinda. I've changed a lot after the break up with Vanessa two months ago and I know wear different color shirts. Unlike wearing black shirts all the time. Other than that, I'm also into collar tee now. I'm getting matured, oh gawd! I feel like its not me but owh well, people needs changing in the life. I'm more cheerful now, more open..likes to be silly and oh my gawd, I'm drinking for goodness sake. I never like to drink before but now I drink like hell. Okay..for this year's christmas, someone has just made my day. Her name is Monique. Seriously, she actually made me the most cheerful person today. When she smiled, I get happy. Its so sad that we lived far from each other, she's in Perth and I'm stuck in Sabah. UGH! I wanna meet her so badly, we both could hangout together and it'll be awesome. She said to me even the ice cubes would get jealous of us. I don't know what she meant by that but its funny! I don't know, I think I may like her. It's begins when I try to help to not to cut herself and help her to be happy, I ended up by falling for her. But in her eyes, I'm just a friend, nothing more than that. I asked my friends, and they say that I should asked her. OMG! It would never be the same if I asked her. What if she says "no", gosh! That would be hurtful but at least I know that she only wants to be friends. But everytime I talk or text with her, I feel happy. It eases the pain inside me. I really want to tell her but I'm afraid if it will ruin our friendship. What if she thinks i'm a freak and avoid me? That would kill me completely. Maybe I should just see and what happens. Its the best christmas day today. It was alright. She made me happy, and I'm glad. Hope for next year will be more merrier and changes shall occur. I'll be 19 next year in July 10th. Getting older each year. *sigh* owh well, thats life.

Anyways, Merry Christmas to all of you!