Wednesday, December 23, 2009

self-reflecting

Well, its almost Christmas. The time where most people wait each year. Full of joy and happiness among families around the world. But tell, what is really Christmas means to you? Is it all about the presents? Keep receiving but never giving? What all those needy people will be doing during Christmas? Is there any kind Samaritan who is willing to give them Christmas? There are so many needy people out there and yet they're being ignored. I know most of us are not that rich or anything, but God has given us life, love, everything. We should appreciate it all, why not being thankful to God by helping others? Most people when it comes to this time of the year, its all about the presents and shopping for new clothes and stuff. I mean, what happen to Jesus? The true meaning of Christmas, Jesus is the real deal. Not shopping or stuff. What happen to the true spirit of Christmas? Celebrating the coming of our savior? The one who saves us all from damnation. Jesus! We should be thankful to him.

I 'm writing this blog to reflect myself during this festive season. All I think is about shopping and shopping. I forgot what is the true meaning of Christmas. That what made me not in the mood for Christmas this year. All I think is about new clothes and stuff, I never think about Jesus or anything. Yes, I'm a christian, a roman catholic in fact. I do go to church every sunday. I know my mistakes and yet I kept doing it again. Yes, I do go to confession every year but it does not stop me from doing mistakes. This year has been the hardest year for me. Why? It is because getting into college, meeting new people and being in a new world. I'm not use to new environment, its hard for me to adapt new things especially involves meeting new people. Other than that, I got my heart broken many times this year by the person I love the most. Its broken beyond repair. I feel so bad flirting with people who has meet me just to forget the person who have hurt me. But again, another person came into my life and manage to heal this broken heart. She actually managed to heal my heart. I consider this person as my early Christmas present from Santa. Because this person had given me so much happiness in me. Made me realize Christmas is all about loving each other, loving other people and love among ourselves. This person has changed me wholly and I love the person dearly. Christmas is not just about receiving or new stuff, I now can say its about being loving and caring towards each other. Make peace with your enemies, make peace with your family if you don't have a good relationship with them. Me here, is trying to forgive the person who have hurt me, and I know its going to be very hard to do it. I'm not even sure if that person deserves to be forgive. I don't keep grudges in me, I never want to take revenge on someone because I know its not worth it. Doing that will make it more worse and eventually you're the one who's gonna get hurt again. I have a friend who loves revenge and gosh her life sucks.

Anyway, my wish for this Christmas is for every family to sit down and spend time with each other, use the time to talk, smile and laugh. I love my family very much and they meant the world to me. Without them, I wouldn't be in college by now. They taught me well in life. Also not to forget all of my aunts and uncles, all of them are awesome as! I'm grateful for everything that God has given me.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I now can say you're a bitch!

Two months have passed since that incident involves us two, its still stained my memories. The memories of you, tainted everything in me. Since then, its hard for me to find someone to love. But what you did to me was beyond repair and it hurts so much. It's gonna be hard to forgive you. I can't forget, okay?! Somehow I think I still have feelings for you. I talked to my friends about it, she said you're entirely destroying me. At first, I don't agree with her coz at that time, you mean so much to me. What happen to the words you texted me last time, "I will never leave you. I love you forever and always". Do you really mean it when you say it to me. What about the thing you promised me? You never even try to keep it. You know how much does it hurts me knowing that you promised that you'll never do it again but you keep on doing it. You know who made me realize that being with you was a mistake? I met this girl, her name is Karissa. I was so sad and I told her about you. Guess what she said? She was so angry and called you a "bitch". When I told my friend about it, she also agrees with me. Came to think of it, you are one. After what you did to me 2 months ago, yes you are one. You left me to be with another person, thinking here you and him are going to be happy together. But no, you broke off with him and be with another person. I now can really say IT WAS A MISTAKE FOR LOVING YOU. You know what? Karissa has made me happy. She's different from you, she's not like you, and she's way better than you. All you do is making me sad, believe it or not I was never angry with you coz I love you so much. Really, I was never angry at you and yet you keep hurting me. I know you didn't realize it. When I went to college and its hard for me to talk to you, I cried you know. When I called you, it makes me happy to hear your voice but at the same time I was sad. I cried many times coz of you. I never told you this coz I don't want to make you worried.


Now, I realized.. you're a bitch! Thanks to Karissa. She have healed what has broken inside me, she always made me smile. I love her dearly and she means the world to me. I hope you realize yourself that you made a mistake being with me. I hope you do.
I REGRET IT ALL!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

ughhh!

OMG! Its like 3.52am and I can't sleep. Woke up just now, my head hurts, my whole body hurts. My nose is runny and it hurts. It's time to go see the doctor, if possible tomorrow. I can't stand it anymore. It really hurts. What is my sickness? Its a combination of flu and fever, so might as well call it "FLUVER"
I've never felt like this before, when I come down with flu and fever, its not that painful as this one. Its like a torch pinned through my body. One word for that, "OUCH!"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

our relationship officially ends..

20/October/2009
exactly this day..
my friendship/relationship with Vanessa ends forever.
She have deleted on msn but I won't delete her coz I got this feeling which keep me from deleting her and idk what it is..
but I will try to move on and someday I will find somebody that I will love as much as I love her.. i'm going to be happy although inside me it hurts so much..


No more thinking bout her...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I GAVE YOU HIM, WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE? HE LOVE YOU, HE’S THERE FOR YOU, HE’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU..BUT I’M HERE, FAR AWAY FROM YOU. I CAN’T EVEN HOLD YOUR HAND, I CAN’T EVEN HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS, I CAN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING WITH YOU COZ I’M NOT THERE! HE’S THERE FOR YOU, HE CAN HOLD YOU IN HIS ARMS AND HE CAN PROTECT YOU. I CAN’T DO ALL OF THAT COZ I’M BLOODY FAR AWAY FROM YOU! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LET GO SOMEONE YOU LOVED THE MOST? SOMEONE YOU LOVED MORE THAN YOURSELF? SOMEONE YOU LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS? HOW HURTFUL? DO YOU KNOW HOW HURT I AM NOW? LET ME TELL YOU THIS, I’M SO HURT, DEEPLY INSIDE ME IS LIKE BLEEDING BLOOD. MY HEART BLEEDS THEN SHATTERED INTO MILLIONS PIECES. I DO ALL OF THAT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME. I DON’T CARE IF I BLEED FROM MY EYES OR DIE. I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. DON’T YOU GET IT? YES, I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU MUST LEARN TO LET THEM GO. I LET YOU GO IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I CAN’T BEAR TO SEE YOU GET HURT EVERYTIME. I’M SURE YOU’LL BE HAPPY WITH HIM. ALTHOUGH WHEN I THINK OF IT, IT HURTS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I’M SMILING COZ I KNOW THAT YOU’RE SMILING TOO WHEN YOU’RE WITH HIM. THERE’S NO MISTAKE THAT I SEE IN YOU THAT YOU ALSO LOVE HIM. I WANT YOU TO FORGET ME, FOR ME IT’S HARD TO FORGET YOU BUT I WILL TRY. IT’S VERY HURT TO MOVE ON; IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO NOT LOVE YOU. BE HAPPY FOR ME OKAY? I WISH YOU BOTH A HAPPY LIFE AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Friday, October 2, 2009

loving you was my favourite mistake..


Today is the most saddest day in my life... and it's really happening now.. remember how much I wanted to break up with vans? Yep, the day is today. I'm both sad and relieve. I'm sad because I felt a part of me empty. I'm relieve coz there's nothing to think about anymore.. I'm going to miss our memories that we've shared.. I have bout 1000 or more texts from vans in my phone.. It's hard to delete.. OMG! I think I'm regretting it..shit! NO!!! I must move on and forget bout it. Pretend that I never met vans..pretend everything was just a fairytale dream.. I don't care! Well, I hope they both have a better life.. i'm sure vans will be happy without me in her life..more happier when she's with alex. They both good for each other. All I want is for her to be happy..as much as it really hurts me so deeply..like a knife stroke into my heart..her happiness is more important. *sigh* ow well..here comes single life again..

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I really want you back...

My heart longs for you, my soul dies for u, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach for you.

I keep thinking of you since the day we've talked. I know we've had our time together and it was over in the middle of march but I've realized that I still love you although 5 months already passed without you with me. I still have feelings for you.. and you don't know that. But I really want you to know that. Ahh, when are you going on msn?? I want you..I want you..I want you..whoa..being greedy there..hehe..but still, I WANT YOU! Idk why tho coz, I have this feeling that you still love me.. dammit! I'm a hopeless romantic person.. which is bad! Bad me! But..I'm with Vans..but..but..so many buts aye.. argh! I just want you back!

Friday, September 25, 2009

missing piece of puzzle in my life..

It's been a while since I last blog... was too busy with college and stuff...
okay..my life so far..there are ups and downs as usual but mostly downs coz of that someone..
me and vans, we had a fight on sunday..which nearly ends our relationship but it didn't happen coz we love each other too much..and now, I'm disturbed coz the thought, "Do you really love me?" came to haunt me again. I don't know why tho coz I really feel like you don't love me anymore..or maybe you never really love me like you said you were.. Its really making me confuse when it comes to you..
Okay..forget bout the down part..let's talk bout the up part..
well..yesterday, while I was facebooking and chatting on msn, suddenly someone I knew online and that someone is my ex, Eri. Believe it or not, I actually think that I was dreaming..I couldn't believe it! It was in March since we last talked and yesterday we both talk. She's still the same Eri, that I've loved before. Same craziness, same depression, same everything and I miss all that. To be honest, I still love her till now..maybe more than I love vans coz I was smiling like a mad man yesterday..smiling to myself.. it was funny and weird tho.. but seriously, I want to be with Eri again. But I don't know if she still feel the same way about me.. I miss the 5 months we had, the laughs, the jokes, everything.. texting everyday.. she texted me at 6.00am everyday..yep, I miss that all. She's the missing puzzle piece that has been missing from my life.. and I want that puzzle piece back... I'm not sure when she's going to be on msn tho but I hope that she will..and I can't bloody text her coz her parents took her phone..thats what she said.. I don't know! All I want is for her to know how I feel bout her.. that's all.. but from far what I see in her, she moved on...and I'm still stucked in the past...

Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm a droob...

I'm a droob in believing that we're over..
but now I'm sure that we're staying with each other..
Forever and Always <3

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

thinking of...

Thinking everything about you makes my heart bleed...
I don't know if I should end it of not.. I don't know if I should be with you anymore..
Everything is becoming a blur now.. everything about us...
How can I love a person when the person does not even want to talk to me????
Fuck all of this! I can't stand anymore..
I've been thinking a lot now..and its really tearing my heart apart..
you're there and i'm here.. I just couldn't bear with the distance..
we're falling apart each day...
even so, my feelings for you are still the same.. don't you understand that?
I'm just a fool..a fool fell for you..
Leave me alone for now....



*sadness mode*