Don't You See That I Love You?

Words just popped in my head and it turned into a poem.

Title is stated above.

When the moments fly,

I looked up in the sky,

Saw your name written on it,

I couldn't believe my eyes.

This heart have been waiting for so long,

For you to come along,

I wait this day to come,

And now you're here and welcomed.

You've filled the empty space in my heart,

And I know we will never be apart,

You and I share the same feeling,

It shall be forever and willing.

What I feel towards you is true,

I can't deny it anymore,

My heart is beating for you,

Don't you see that I love you?

xoxo,

Jaceyy

27.August.2010

making life decision..yet still can't make up mind..

Why is it so hard to make decision? I don't know, I gave my answer but its not my final decision yet. I still having second thoughts, whether to go or not. To be honest, I hate that place in fact, I hate the people there. I really hate the people there. Dead serious hate! But why something in me triggers me and says that I should go? Should I? I mean, it will be starting all over again..meeting new friends, orientation..gah! Lecture hall, how I hate lecture hall. What is triggering me inside then? I have to make my decision fast! seriously, fast! To go or not to go? This thinking is making me depressed, I might be going back to the old road again. Dammit!

Confuse? dead confuse =(

What I heard from our KJ just now..was.. rather a shocking yet devastating news. It made me think and i've never ever think like this before. Eight of us will be chosen to go to the other program which will twin with UiTM. Now, here's the problem. I'm confuse whether to go or not, my head told me to go but my heart told me to stay. My mom told me to go...

Here's the pros and cons if I go to the place...

PROS

1. The place is big and convenient
2. it's in KL, well.. shopping haven
3. most of my friends are there

CONS

1. Homesick, hard for me to adapt
   
2. meeting new friends..again (not good at it)
3. Far from parents (not a good thing for me)
4. High cost of living
5. I hate the traffic and some people there
6. I don't enjoy the attitude of some people
7. Rudeness (some)

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

God please help me to choose the correct path, please let me have peace of mind in making this decision. Amen.

Proud for who I am =)

Rainbow Colors is ANOTHER way for God to say...

it's OKAY to be GAY! :D

I'm proud to be who and what I am now, I'm gay and I love being one, I don't care what people is going to talk about me, thrashing behind my back and stuff, but one thing for sure, being gay is the most happy decision that i've made so far. Woohoo!

I HAVE MY PRIDE AND I'M PROUD FOR WHO I AM!

Fragments of Me

Okay, I wrote this when I was feeling down last week, stuff happens. When I got home during that night, I feel unwanted. People that I love were fighting because of me, I heard them and it really hurts me. From that all, I turn to hurting myself again. I promise that I wouldn't do that bloody thing but that pain is unbearable. I did lost blood, an average amount but I don't care. My mind was blocked and all I think is about suicide. Apart from all those shitty things, I came out with this.

Fragments of Me

This falling fragments of me,

Slowly falling into pieces,

One by one,

Sounds of clashing,

Sounds of despair.

When I look into a blank wall,

All I see is a gloomy image of me,

These precious virgin tears,

Slowly flowing down from the eyes,

Tears of sorrow.

This heart is weak,

Fragile and easily torn,

Watch me as this razor kissed my wrist,

Kiss this wrist with its sharp blade,

Let the blood flow,

Blood of anger.

Do you hear my heart beat?

Its beating slowly,

Those beatings tainted the surrounding,

and it shows how much I'm hurt inside,

Beatings if sadness.

See the blood as it flows down,

Let the blood taint the soil,

Let the ground feel its pain,

And know that this fool

is dying inside...

you're seriously annoying!

Oh for the love of God, you're friggin annoying! I don't know if you realize that but you are, damn! Okay fine, I know you're all of that but stop being such a full of yourself! Gah! Its really bothering me. You know what? When your friend say that you're annoying, I agree with her. I just don't want to tell you that the FACT THAT YOU'RE ANNOYING, coz yeah, I don't want to hurt your feelings. And I've been holding back, oh what the hell! You've been annoying me since last year!

Need your opinions on depression :)

Well..assignment.. the usual..

What to do? It's going to be a really hectic month..

We have to write a persuasive speech by choosing from these topic given:

1. Environment

2. Health

3.Culture

4. Education

5. Gender and Society

6. Social Issues

From these topics, I chose Social Issues coz yeah you know the world is like upside down now, social problems here and there. I decided to do on depression. Anybody have ever suffering from depression? I need some ideas, I've been in that situation and I have my own opinions but I need other people opinions too. So, tomorrow I have to show to my tutor my introduction of my essay. Wish me luck! xoxo

By the way, here's my title for my speech..

'Depression' - Silent Killer

@#$%^&*(&^$%#%^&

Fuck everything! Arghhhhhh! Why do she have to make my life miserable?! Bloody fucking hell? Oh yes, I'm wrong! I'm bloody wrong..wrong..WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I'm mean! Ugh! I thought that this morbid and depressed feeling will be gone forever after vanessa but you just make things more worse.. yes, I have your heart but I feel like giving it back. I'm not sure, I don't know but inside me, I'm missing you. I know in me that I can't let you go but I'm trying hard to but I really don't want. I'm confused, really confused, should I be with you or not? I feel like I'm in a box which you held it tight and wouldn't free me. I need space to breathe, to walk around and to see the world. Because of you, I'm like so upset now and I feel empty inside. But the most weirdest part is, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! Now why am I missing you? I'm not suppose to miss you, or anything. With you being a part of my life, sometimes make me happy but sometimes it made me sad coz you were being morbid and all and eventually I'll become depressed. Gah! Nuff said bout stupid stuff!

labuan>>>awesomeness!

[my favourite pic of all the pics..coz we're showing off our asses! :D]

Okay..labuan was so fun! Though I went there for like every year, but this time is with my friends, no grown ups..I repeat..NO GROWN-UPS! Mwahahaahahahaha...FREEDOM! :p

Finally, I'm out from my house. A dream come true. So, we went to Menumbok then we ride the speed boat, bumpy yet fun. We arrived at Labuan about 10am. Then, we check into our hotel, Pulau Labuan 2. Haha, our room [girls] were small but what the heck.. Then we went to lunch then walk around UK for few hours. After that, we rent car and we to interesting places, took pictures then go. Was so much fun and all the things I've been stressing bout all gone. Then night came, we went back to the hotel, shower and go out. We had KFC for dinner and we went to matriks. Ahh, good memories are been made there. I meet up with Stephanie, Mel, Yvonne and OMG.. Steffi. I don't know why but she seems so happy to see me and I am happy to see her. And she smiled all the time when we're both talking, and when I was about to go home, she's kinda sad. Awww.. I wished she would feel the same way as I feel towards her. Thats what I told Candice, "I'm in love with someone but she's straight." Steffi is who I'm talking about. When I see her, ohmigosh, its like you can hear birds chirping and your heart sings. Most happiest part for during meeting her is when she said, " Can I get a hug?" OMG, hugging her made me smile and i'm still smiling now. I've been smiling since friday night and kept thinking about her. I so so want to meet her again. Ok, nuff said bout matriks, lets move on to nightlife. After matriks, we went back to the hotel, we bought 12 bottles of beer. HAHA! We didn't drink much but yeah, we did drank like 5 bottles. Then my friend and my cousin sleep early. Boo hoo! So, me and the girls went out and drive around labuan. We went out about at 2am. Guess where we end up? We went to Pop In. Its a pub/club and OMG it was awesome! The atmosphere...the people! AMAZING! So, I drank a bottle of beer coz my friends were not in the mood. My friend, Nana, drag me to the dance floor.. so I danced my hearts out. I don't care what people thinks, I dance! Fuck yeah! We went out from the place at 3.30am then head for McDonald for a bite. We went back to the hotel about 4.30am. Oh my, I can't sleep so I didn't sleep for the whole night. Hihi! I didn't bought anything there tho coz I spent my money mostly on food, beer, hotel, transportation, and other stuff. We're planning on going back there when we have the time. I can't wait. But after April, there's no reason for me to go to Labuan coz my friends finished their course in matriks on the 18th April..so yeah. But Pop In is a place I must go. Imma go to bed now, tomorrow class start, xoxo.

I fucking hate it when they fight!

I hate it when they fight, I mean my parents. Last night they fought, in the kitchen and yes I heard them. I listen to every word every sentences they say. Its really sad, I really hate crying coz crying affects the people around me. My downside of my shirt was full of blood last night. I can't stand the fightings. There are scars on my left arm, so as the blood will dry on my shirt. I feel at ease when seeing the blood flows. But I'm still sad coz of last night. I heard my mom said about leaving and that seriously stroke deeply into my heart with God forsaken piercing pain. I still feel the pain now, tears always flooded my eyes when I think of it. I cried in class today and damn! Why must I cry in front of my friends. I hate it! I bloody fucking hate it! I made them cry too, Nana and Dora. *sniffs* But when they hugged me, and my I feel at ease a bit. Hugs do make me feel better. But I really can't stand to see them crying..guiltiness affects me. Just now, when I'm with Dora, I can't explain why coz I feel so calm. When she hugged me tightly, calmness go throughout my body. When she cried just now, again, I feel pain. Staring at her eyes, seeing her smile..somehow makes me happy. When i'm sad, she's always be with me and say all those calming words. Today when I was crying my heart out, she hugged me tightly and whispered to my ear, saying that "when you feel sad, just think of me". Those words touched me deeply. Made me cry tears of joy. No one ever says that to me but this is just so sweet! I just want to hug her closely to my heart now. How can I make this family in peace? I can't stand it anymore! I hate being sad..me being sad, I cut! Please, no more! I'm trying so hard to avoiding cutting. Fuck! This cuts hurts. My arm is sore. I'll just try to calm down then. I'm just scared if they're really leaving, I'm scared of whats gonna happen to my sisters. I don't want them to break down just like I do. I want to protect them and keep the sadness away. For now, I just wished for this family to return to normal and be happy again. I just want to see those smiling faces and spending time together with each other. *fingers crossed*

xoxo

crappy morning...fun evening..

why do Mondays have to be the worst day all of days?! Bad luck much?? I don't have the mood since saturday coz someone in the house made me feel like a stranger. UGH! You know how much it hurts me deeply?! I feel unloved! There's a hole in my heart coz of you. I can't believe your blood run in mine. DAMN! plus today, monday..that bloody discipline lecturer told me that my hair was too long and he bloody told me to tied it. What the bloody effin hell?! My hair is not that bloody long, it's bloody short for goodness sake! How can you tie a short hair?! My gawd! Where's your head sir? Saturday till today, I feel like I'm really a mess. And YES, I DID cut myself. I like the blood flowing from my wrist and arms. The pain came out along with the blood. To be honest, I like it. Yes, I like it very much. I don't care if I cut my veins or anything, I just want the blood to flow out. It makes me calm. Yeah, my friends were angry and I know I did wrong, but I just can't control myself when being in a shitty situation involving my mom. When it comes to here, I might breakdown so badly or I might want to die. I know its wrong to take your own life, but I can't take it! I feel so hurt inside, being left alone hanging in the abyss. A poor soul calling for help. Let me stop talking about sadness, move on to me being happy.

Ahhh..happiness. Me likey. Today is our PE performance that we need to do a lot of moving. It was fun and believe it or not, after doing it I feel so happy. The best way to cure sadness is hanging out with your friends. Damn, it works! *Happy dance* after that, we went to Alladin Restaurant and we have our dinner there. With all those talking and laughing, at last my sadness fade away. *Again, happy dance* I love all of my friends. Also, I did something naughty today. Woohoo! Thats more like me! HAHA! Owh well, gotta sleep now. Ciao :D

blah..blah..blah..bleh.. =.="

*Screams out loud!* FUUUUCCCKKKKKKK MYYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Why do this weekend have to be so bloody busy?! Man, college life is starting to get on my nerves. I'm started to think that am I really in the correct track? Gosh, confusion much. Gonna be in Shakespeare mode.. "Thy knife stroke my heart, piercing in, my blood shall flow from my chest to my toes, the ground will be tainted, with despair and sorrow."

What shall I do then?

so little time...

*sigh* okay, 3 weeks of college..coming to 4 weeks. OMG and the works are piling up. College life, I know. Somehow, I feel restless. Idk why. Me and Karissa stopped texting each other. Why? Coz her phone bill was..OMG! Feel sad tho but we talked on yrbook. Doesn't feel the same but at least we talked. She still made me happy. Hmm, okay this month is crucial coz i'm in need of cash!!! Arghhhh! Got a letter from my former college, asking me to pay back the Semester 1's allowance! I was like WHAT THE FUCK?! and the total amount is RM1250!! Where am gonna find that money????? My life just died there...my current college's allowance hasn't come out yet..ughhhhhh!!!! *whining and cusssing* !@#@%&^(&(**@@%#!#!@*(&^)!!!

yesterday was history today is????

PE was awesome yesterday. Akmar, Amirul, Jazul, Me, Gracie, Nana, Dora, Candice, Esther and Jun laughed really hard. It's coz of the joke that Jazul made talking Malay-Thai-Japan accent and myself, talking a scotland accent which make Esther laughed till tears came out from her eyes. Gracie lost her voice, OMG! Okay, today was forum during LDV and our group topic is about Sex and Gender. I talked about sexual orientation and wow, I don't know coz I kinda blushed. Coz this topic is somehow related to me. I explained using my general knowledge and I think some people including Madam is suspecting something. Owh well, at least they know and I'm actually okay with that.
So, me and Karissa 1st Month Anniversary is almost near. I'm more happier being with Karissa rather than being the that bloody person. She made me so happy and she remember our anniversary unlike..ughhh! the other person. She said to me that I'm the reason for her to get up every morning and that just put the biggest smile on my face. She's the reason I smiled whenever I sit alone. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. All I hope for is, I don't want her to hurt me as Vanessa did. I can't take it anymore. I hate being hurt and I hate hurting people. All i want is to make people happy and I'll be happy. Is it that hard to ask? I hope me and her are gonna last long and happy together. I don't care what people thinks tho. I know some will accept and some will not. So please, leave your bloody conservative life and move on to the new era of life already.

tomorrow is the day! D:

Ah-ma-gosh! I can't believe its finally tomorrow!! I'm going back to college tomorrow! ohmylord!! Its so fast and i'm just starting to enjoy the hols. UGH!!! New roommate..new everything! I hope she's not bossy or snobbish. I really want communication! or I'll die! SERIOUSLY! I'm not used to being friends with someone older than me..well except for Dora and my cousins..gosh, time will tell then. New challenges..new drama..arghhh. Am I in the right track? Being a teacher? I mean, look at me! With this attitude and stuff, gosh! I'm so not gonna be a role model to my students in the future. I drank, I cuss, everything that is bad. So am I right for this? Gosh, I need someone to hit me. NOW! I'm just gonna accept the fact that I'm going back tomorrow.
Okay..talked with Vanessa again. Told her that I couldn't forget her completely then she said " I thought you did :( " what does she meant by that? And when I asked why, she said that "coz you were with someone". Again, what does she meant? Does she still loves me? Or she wants me to forget her? I'm really confused right now. But really, I do still have feelings for her. Believe it or not, I asked opinions from 11 people. 8 gave me the same answer and 3 different. Hmm, I better make sure of this or I'll end up getting hurt again. I hope she's not drunk when she say it tho. If she were, all of the memories will come back and haunt me again. Nuff said bout it, anyways..I missed my cousin. I missed her so much! Coz I really liked when she hugged me on new years day coz it was so sweet of her and adorable too. She hugged me with full of care.. she's 14 and very matured too. Matured than me. Some of my cousins dislikes her tho coz they said, she's harsh. Well, she is but owh well, like I said, she's matured for her age. Wow, its been like 3 days without texting Karissa. I'm guessing, she wants to end it, between me and her. *sigh* why does this keep happening to me? Gawd! OWH WELL.. like many people say..that is LIFE. Pfffttt.. right..
Anyways, I'm going to bed now..church in like 7 hours. Have a good life people :)

I do still love her...

Talking to Vanessa now has made me realize that I do still love her. All the name calling thingy that I called her, was just to erase the memories of what she did to me..but deep inside me, I still do really love her..I think she's the only one that I really love. I can't forget her completely. I love her too much.

awesome new year!

Goodbye 2009..well hello 2010! Well, this year's new year, I think its the best new year other than the other new years. Indeed, I'm shocked too. I thought it would be bad but I was so wrong. Hmm..maybe I got drunk this year and thats why I was feeling happy. LMAO! When the clock struck 12.00am last night.. was the happiest moment in my life. I called Monique and whoa her voice was so adorable. I seriously love australian accent. Owh yeah, when I was hungover last night, and was about to sleep, someone came into the room and gave me the most adorable hug ever and she said to me, " I'm here now". How adorable is that? She hugged me while I was laying on the bed. Made me happy and I hugged her back. And someone was jealous of us..ahaahahaha! But yeah, she ended up in my hands and I love cuddling with her. That was a cute moment. Hmm..I think this year is starting to be a good year after all. Hmm, okay that was an early judgment. We'll see what's gonna happen this year, and I'll be an official senior..haha! Bullying time? I'm not that cruel. Okay, i'm currently talking to Vanessa on msn now, this may sounded weird but I'm happy talking to her. I'm in cheerful mode now, maybe coz by the drunkness or maybe I am really in a cheerful mood. Haha, but still, I missed her tho. Should I tell her that? A bit confused here. She might think I'm weird or something. Owh well, 2009 has passed..its 2010 now. New challenges..new drama..new me!

me and her talk about kids.. LOL

Heyy! Last night was a blast..rody's friend came over..wow..lots of beer! HAHA.. and seriously..some of his friends are cute! OMG! I've got a crush towards his one of his friends from SMC. My gosh..haha.. *hits myself!* IN YOUR DREAMS! I slept at 5.00am and woke up at 9.30am..whatafack! LOL, i'm kinda have an headache now..owh well..
Btw, Karissa finally texted me after 4 days without texting with her! OMG, that is burden. I missed her so so much..my gawd! I bloody missed her :(
So we both texted and texted..suddenly children came to my mind.. I told her about it. She said she love kids too! Woohoo! Unlike with Vanessa.. she doesn't like kids coz she thinks its painfully. So suicide is not painful for you then? Karissa is much more different from you, much better..more happier and she really made me happy. Me and her love kids, so she said she wants five or more! I totally agree with her.. Kids are the ones who brings the family together.. So, we think of some names..so her suggestions were, Kiley, Xaiver, Victoria, Oliver and Jasper. Mine were Vanessa, Aiden, Emily, Kayden and Jake. She said she like the name Aiden and Kayden if our kids were twins. OKay, this may sound crazy but I really really wants kids with someone who wants it as much as me. Karissa is perfect but..I don't know.. I want to change..but..I may be disown by this family coz I know that my parents won't bloody understand me..ughhh!! I just want to be with someone, but its just hard..some people just don't understand.. *sniffs*


Owh well.. I'll get my own kids someday..well, I hope..
and it will be with someone that I love the most! :D

Missing mode

Okay, today was the Disimon Clan Party and I'm not in the mood to go but I forced myself to go. If I didn't go, what would the people will say? Although I don't mix well with them, somehow some of my cousin likes to hangout with me, talking about music or stuff. Being crazy is also part of it. Here's the funny part, me and Ruby were being desperate, she wants a boyfriend and I want a girlfriend, we both are wishing for it in desperate mode, was LMAO! She wants her boy of her dreams, and I want my emo girl. Nuff said bout the funny part, so here's the sad part just now. Me and Hazel were talking about relationships, she told me about her nightmare about her boyfriend and I told whats going on with my relationship which didn't work out well. So, suddenly Ruby and Titin went to my place and asked what happen between me and that person, why we broke up. At first I don't want to tell them, but they're good at persuading me to tell, I lost. It was hurtful for me but what the heck, it'll be better just to let it out, to ease the pain a little bit. So I told them what happened two months ago, I told them the exact details. I told them that the person hurt me many times but I was never angry. That person hurt me on my birthday which makes them shock and angry. Then I moved on to the part where I let that person go although its hurtful. I started to cry from there. I told them, all the messages that Vans sent me were all meaningless after all, and its heart breaking when deleting all the texts in my phone. From there, my tears couldn't stop flowing. Ruby, Titin and Hazel trying to calm me down but I just couldn't stop. I reminisce all of the happy memories when I'm with Vans.Of all the people I've been with, she's the only one that I ever truly loved. What she did to me, yes its beyond repair, but I still love her. Call me stupid but I really do. Even my friends says that she is really destroying me by hurting me. Now, its all over. I'm not angry, I'm just hurt deeply inside me, my heart is torn and haven't been sew up again. I somehow really find it hard to forgive. Hazel says just forgive and forget, yes I did that when me and her were together, but after what she did, OMG..its hard to forgive. How can you forgive someone that says I love you and wants to get back with you, then the next day that person took it back and says he/she were drunk at that time..its hurtful right? I do want to forgive her, its just that, its really hard. But really, someone managed to cheer me up a little and I'm grateful for it. I really wished that she sees me more than just a friend in those amazing eyes. Okay, being desperate there, but I really wished for that. It made me not believe in santa tho coz that big guy haven't give me the ultimate gift ever..Someone to call my own. I know its being greedy and all but all I want is to love someone and that someone love me back and love me for who I am. Is it that hard to ask? Owh well, I know that person is out there somewhere, I just have to use all that I've got to find that person. But now, I really want to forgive Vans coz I hate keeping grudges in me. I'm not like that kind of person.

This year, 2009, is almost came to an end. For me, its so many downs rather than ups except that the person I met cheers me up only christmas day and I'm grateful for it. I've really changes alot after the break up. Like how? My friends say that I'm more cheerful, LOL idk that. But I can feel that I'm becoming a little matured and its so not me! I'm beginning to love kids, and turning into a hopeless romantic. Gawd! I seriously don't want that. I love collar stripes tee now coz its awesome! I have many of them now, thanks to my parents for buying me all those. I know its bad, I like to flirt and I'm trying to stop now. I drink too much and got in hangover mode each time. I'm 19 next year in July, getting old..OMG! All of these, happens for a reason and I just have to deal with it although I hate it. Countdown to 2010!!

upset mode

Today is the day after Christmas..just got home from a Caroling X'mas Party, not that bad tho..was okay. Had a lil bit fun but owh well. Tomorrow its the Disimon Clan and I think I won't go. Not in the mood, coz some of the people there I despise, I don't mix well with them. Well, I've been upset since morning. When I woke up, I'm in upset mode. I don't know why, coz I think its the mood swings have kicked in. I'm just wondering why I can't find someone to call my own. I'm a loser when it comes to relationship. And I hated myself for being a hopeless romantic..ergh! But the last time, I fall..I mean, really fall in love, I ended up getting hurt. Dammit! But I know one thing for sure, I really do like Monique. I mean "like" as in LOVE. But the problem is, I'm just a friend in her eyes. I feel a bit down by it, but I'll live. I just hope to find someone is near to me where I can hold/kiss/hug/cuddle with that person. I'm getting sick for long-distant relationship. Its like I'm talking to a person that didn't exist but they do only in the internet/mobile world. You can't actually see them or hold them. Even if they turn on their webcam, yeah you can the their face but only that. Its hurtful sometimes. I really do hope I found someone that I really can call my own and lives near to me, where we both can meet each other. Its going to be eaffin hard, I'm sure about it. Nuff said about this, the other reason why I was upset coz its like I'm the black sheep in this family. Everything I didn't do, I get blamed on. I mean everything!! You know how painful it is to endure it all?! They blamed it all on me. I do this! I do that! Blah..blah..blah..even I couldn't find the answer myself. Its really making me depressed, and yes I want to cut. I promise to someone that I wouldn't touch that razor ever again but the pain inside me is too hurtful. The only way for me to calm down is to see blood. I know its crazy but I like it. I don't have any sickness in me or anything. I'm just stressed out! I might do something stupid and that someone will go, blah..blah..blah on me again. UGH


I just want to be really happy for once in my god forsaken life!